This is a busy crazy week. Let me rephrase. This is one busy crazy life. I’ve developed a fairly stable system to handle this. It involves a lot of lists. I have a joint digital calendar and digital list with my spouse, a hard copy calendar and scheduled review session with my business partner/mother. I have bits of random lists on my phone and by my bedside. I have lists that track how many glasses of water I drink and if I made my bed. I don’t always accomplish everything on my lists and most of the time I have lots of loose ends. But it generally works. However lately there is one area of my life I’m not controlling all that well. Tears. I’ve had a lot of tears.
Before you worry about me and send me off to counseling (been there…done that) know that we’re doing fine. It’s more that this stuffing all the joy we can handle into our lives has put us very close to people. People who sometimes hurt. People who frequently overcome. Plus I have two daughters and a husband.
That would do it all by itself. I’m blessed and I hurt. And so I cry.
The resident chef and I are about to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary and I still adore the guy. Last night I spent hours of time trying to impress him with a new casserole involving peppers and cheese. It was okay. Kinda boring and certainly not worth the work. I really should leave the cooking to him. For St. Patrick’s tonight he’s making the traditional Corned Beef and Cabbage but just for fun he made Irish Brown Bread and Creamy Vegetable soup that are EXACTLY likes the ones we had when we were in Ireland for our tenth anniversary. I can’t wait! When I watch the video he made of that trip and I think about the past fifteen years and boom – tears.
One of my dearest friends had some heart ache in the last couple of years. (Haven’t we all?) I’ve cheered them on. They make me proud. I love watching how God is revealed in their conduct and character. She sent me this photo from her recent doctor appointment.
Tears. Lots of tears.
Our church is in the midst of a remodel. Couple of weeks ago a wall was torn open and this was found. A message written there years ago by a family friend who lost a terrible fight with cancer. Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. ” I love that this message was placed right where it would be seen again and would testify to us all about the goodness of God and how He carried her through her battle.
My youngest is almost two and she pats when she gives hugs. God knew at this stage in my life I’d want hugs and so He sent this sweet loving little miss. The chef and she Facetimed me earlier today and showed me her new grin.
Tears. Smiling grinning sloppy tears.
My oldest will be eight in two weeks. She’s a fierce, loyal, brave and independent kid. Huge heart. Last six months she’s proved it through some personal battles. Most recently, she just raised the most money in her school for the American Heart Association. Every time someone agreed to donate to her I smiled and felt the tears threatening. A close friend emailed her with her donation and told her that she could see what kind of person she’d grow up to be…a person like Jesus. My little fighter said “oh mom. my tears are welling up “. And that’s where I’ve been living lately. Tears welling up.
The things that make me cry are varied and frequent. My daughters sitting at my grandma’s piano. Holding my nephew. Kneeling and looking into the huge big eyes of my niece. My daffodils. A really good joke. Every song in Bow The Knee. (It’s this weekend….go see it!) Friends who take over when I can’t handle things. My mother. Sunshine. A great book. As it turns out, even the painful tears are good. Doesn’t make them not painful. But painful isn’t always bad.
So I thought I’d better tell you all. The true list that holds my crazy world together is all of you. People who bless me. People who take my loose ends and tie them together. It’s a list from God that prove He is good. All the time. My list of gratitude to God. And its all of you.